Long time no see, Internet. Over a month since my last post, first thing I have to say about that is that for a while the Server was down. Not sure for how long but I blame the server nonetheless.

Anyways, It’s Christmas Day today and despite by feelings towards the holiday it’s been really enjoyable. Woke up ridiculously early after falling asleep at about 4-5 AM because, well, I just couldn’t sleep. Either way I woke up in a really good mood and it’s improved throughout the day.

Opened my presents about 8-9 o’clock and that was good fun as always. Didn’t get the Aftershave that I wanted but I’ll probably be buying that myself with Christmas money some time soon. I’m not complaining mind you, I got some fantastic body washes off my Grandparents that are an awesome substitute. Aside from smellies I got a pair of gloves, a scarf some cottons to wear around the house and various other bits. Oh and Socks, the Socks are good. I got some cooking stuff but that won’t see much use I don’t think :/. Ah well.

One of the highlights of the morning was actually being on webcam with Alex Bowden, not that he ever uses that website. We just pratted about but it was a laugh.

Christmas has yet again put me in a good mood, so far we’ve had the starter of Christmas Dinner (Smoked salmon and Soda Bread for those that care) and the main course is coming in about 20 minutes.

I’m still not quite sure where the year has gone but I don’t care. 2009 was a bit of a shit year for me anyways, good things happened but I didn’t like it.

Aside from looking back and Christmas etc Avatar is an awesome film and I might be going to go see it next week in it’s full glory, 3-Dimensional. Can’t wait.

Just been told Christmas Dinner is ready. Goodbye internet!

This really annoys me, I’m sure other people get it aswell as me and I’d be surprised if I was the only one.

It’s a right bastard though, you hear a song on YouTube or through a friend and three months later it’s huge. People suddenly want you to send it them, although earlier on that month ‘Nah, that’s shit’ was the response it got.

Makes me rage.
irl

Title says it all to be honest, in my last post I was really moaning about how much of a bad person I am and not much has changed there. I’ve apologised to two people that I needed to so far and I intend to carry on doing so until I’ve covered all the people, or at least the majority, that I have offended and treated wrong for no good reason.

This post is a moan about other people aswell as myself, more precisely the concept of perfection. It’s a false ideal, sort of like Communism in many ways actually. It’s something that is to be strived for but that can never be reached, why? Because nobody is perfect. Yeah, controversial much. But nobody is perfect yet everybody strives to be it. Even I try to be it although in my own way admittedly, I try to be it by not showing anything that offends me or upsets me has actually done that. Which is bullshit, I cried at Marley and Me. So yeah, I’m not a total perfectionist but the amount of stuff I do hide is fairly shocking.

I don’t like makeup in general, there are good applications of it but so many people in my school, England and the World in general just abuse it to the extreme. When you have a line around the edges of your face from your foundation it’s generally a sign you’re getting a bit obsessive. People all want to look the same, ‘Perfection’. But is that really perfection? Where everybody looks the same and dresses the same? Doesn’t sound like it to me, perfection is an idealogy that can never truely happen. Because perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Perfect to one man is another mans nightmare.

It’s just weird, perfection in my eye is individuality. Having that flair that sets you off from the rest of the people in the room and gives you a stand out factor. Something that draws your eyes away and makes you think, ‘Damn. That’s pretty cool’. Doesn’t have to be anything to be fair, could just be a cool pair of socks. The way you carry yourself or the way in which you speak. But generally someone with a line of makeup or half tonne measurements of hairpsray applied (Scarily enough the second one is generally boys) just puts me off a person. I don’t like speaking to people like that generally, there are some that are actually lovely and so I apologise if you don’t get down to reading this far. There’s a few girls in my year that do go for the whole ‘perfection’ look and whilst I think it just shows a lack of creativity they are actually some of the nicest people in my school.

Same with some of the guys at my school, all wearing the exact same thing in just varying shades of colour. Maybe a slight change in the style of shoe for example. But it’s weird. They all conform to a certain ideal, so they get tarred with the same brush. Underneath that though, everyone is totally different if you speak to them and it never fails to amaze me how different someone is from how you might think they are judging on their appearance.

I dislike stereotypes and I hate it even more when I label someone into a stereotype. Admittedly there are archtypal people in the world that just seem to personify a stereotype but they then get everybody else similar to them labelled as it too. It’s unfair. I really dislike it although for some reason being placed into a label doesn’t bother me, most of the time it actually makes me laugh. Because the people that do it are the ones that don’t know me, anyone that knows me and I ask them to place me into a stereotype generally can’t because the way I look is contradictory to who I am as a person. That sounds really self inflated and so I’m sorry. If I had to place myself into a stereotype it would probably be geek as that’s one I’ve reverted to at several points in my life.

It never fails to amuse me actually how much people are shocked by my taste in music. Today in History is a good example, I was just sat there and someone brings up Chase and Status. Right on queue I jump into the conversation and it ends with me and Alice Hart trading songs via bluetooth. Made me laugh as I doubt half the people in my History group knew I was into drum and bass or dubstep. Nor how much I was actually into it if they did, I really love those genres. It’s incredible. I’ve been listening to them for maybe a year, year and a half. Yet I’ve expanded my tastes within the genre so much from the first song I heard. Blood Sugar by Pendulum come to think of it. Moved on from Pendulum but unlike most of their early fans I don’t criticise them to shit. Their stuff is still really good and Plasticworld is one of their best songs by far, the first album is admittedly better than In Silico but oh well.

Moving on from Pendulum I started listening to Chase and Status about a year before most people had heard of them thanks to a friend down in Wales. Got pretty lucky there I suppose after hearing some of their early remixes. When Pieces was getting some decent airtime I had had that song for quite while.

Shit’s come up. I need to go.

Bye.

I was speaking with someone today who I won’t name as I don’t know if they’ll really want me highlighting them on the internet, not that anyone reads this anyways. But it made me think, properly think. Not just think like ‘Oh that’s sad, a man died today.’ but actually take into consideration what I’ve done with my life and what I’ve accomplished so far.

Turns out in comparison with other people my age I’ve not done alot with my life, I spent too much time wallowing in self pity following the divorce of my parents to do much. Comfort eating was a big factor in that, I don’t know why the fuck I did it now. I look back and just think about how badly I screwed up so many opportunites right there and then in about the space of a year. Completely stopped socialising with anyone outside of a very small group of people and I was pretty much socially inept until the end of Year 10 / start of Year 11. When you consider my parents split up in year one or two that’s a hell of a lot of my life wasted.

I got good results at least I suppose, being a socially inept cunt left me alot of free time to learn random crap that would never come in handy. For example I’m one of the biggest Lord of the Rings geeks I know and know far too much about Star Wars than is healthy. But yeah, that’s not really important.

I guess the big screw-up for me came about when we decided to move up here to Coalville where I live now. I was taken outside of my comfort zone totally for the first time in my life and it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know what to do, an entirely new school with people I had never met before and I really didn’t like it. I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried my eyes out on the first day of Castle Rock because I didn’t know where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do. The only person I actually knew at the time was Sarah-Jane Collins and she actually helped me out a lot. In return I was spiteful towards her for a long time, something which I regret deeply now considering she was one of the first friends I made when I moved up to here.

Little things like that, spiting someone because it was the ‘acceptable’ thing to do is what annoys me about myself. I became what I hated in people and it really, really annoys me now. At the time I was too wrapped up in self-loathing and self-pity to give a damn about what anybody else thought of me. I stopped taking care of myself properly and became a proper fat nerdy shit. Not that I cared, it was ‘cool’ to rebel. Still trapped in a dead attitude from the eighties I suppose at least a small part of which can be attributed to my cousin Josh.

He always seemed to cool to me, everything that he did I wanted to do. I grew my hair long like him and wanted to be a ‘cool-kid’. Which I guess now is someone I’d call a rat-kid. How annoying is that? Most of who I am today is because of my desperate attempts to be more like my cousin. To this day I pretty much refuse to wear shoes that aren’t Vans or Skate Shoes. Admittedly they’re damn comfy but that’s just another stubborn streak that I refused to acknowledge for far too long. Old habits die hard and even now I dress far too like how I did at twelve and thirteen than I actually care to admit. I’ve grown up apparently, according to a few but I think alot of people have it right when they say that I am just coasting through life.

I think I’m happy with that though and that prospect scares me, the prospect that I’m content to just get by in life not putting in the extra effort to get what I really want. How sad. My results are showing that and it’s something I need to address. My GCSE’s were not exactly bad and some people look at me with a look of horror when I say that I had expected more. Eight 8’s, three B’s, one C and an E. Pretty impressive until you take into consideration I was on track to get three A*’s and possibly more in Year 10. Then it became too much like hardwork and I gave up, story of my life. I gave up. I quit. I don’t want to do that.

Pathetic, at times I actually disgust myself. Not all the time mind you, but when I give into things I shouldn’t or give up on something because it seems like too much effort for one particular thing. I don’t seem to be thinking about where I want to go with my life, although I Know where I want to go I want to be an English Teacher because I’v never had a bad english teacher in my life. But is that really all I could do with my life? Probably not, if I had put the work in during GCSE Maths and Science, not to be arrogant, but I could be making a hell of a lot of money in the future. Even if I had put more effort in during ICT and studied up on the programming languages I wanted to learn. Josh Middleton did it and I reckon he’s going to be rich as shit in a few years time.

I don’t know at times, and it seems strange that a song that is in no way related to myself at all brought this sudden outburst upon me. But I guess I have to thank music for at least making me realize what a waste of a life I’ve had so far. Don’t think this is what they intended when they first wrote this song but oh well, epiphany I think the word is for this sort of moment. A realistation of something, for one that I can’t go on living like this and just ‘getting-by’ if I want to get somewhere with my life. I should grow up and move on with the stuff I want to do, leave behind habits I picked up as a child and try new things. New things, scary things but oh well. That’s what growing up is all about, and it’s about time I did some of that to be fair.

Now I’m debating whether to post this on Facebook or not, I don’t think I should do it to be fair but that’s mostly out of fear of what people will make of it and then how they will judge me on it. Fear again, fears stopping me from doing something and it’s something I’ve spoken about already as a major issue with myself.

This is also the most I’ve written for a hell of a long time, I don’t suppose that by the time you’ve read this far down you’ll really give a shit but it’s over 1,200 words already. That’s incredible. If I put this much effort into my essays I’d be doing so much better.

I really should, but I’ll be honest when I say I don’t think I will. And I don’t like that. So I’ll try my best to do it, and I’ll get it done. Just to spite myself for once, prove myself wrong for no other reason than I don’t like who I am and I want to change that.

Bye.

I owe an apology to Linkin Park because for the past year I’ve been ripping them left, right and center. Why? Because I thought Minutes to Midnight was a mainstream shitty album tailored to suit the swinish masses.

It’s really not, only a few of the songs ever had any commercial success and they are still a great band. There are songs on there such as ‘In Between’ and ‘No More Sorrow’ that despite being a far cry away from Lying From You and One Step Closer are actually fantastic tracks in themself.

So if anyone else has looked at Minutes to Midnight and turned their nose up at it, I implore you to give it a second chance. Listen through the album on your own or on your phone / iPod / whatever. Fuck what anyone else thinks, it’s a great album and well worth listening to.

-Zeb.
“Between my pride and my promises,
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way,
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come,
The only thing that’s worse than none is one.”
-Linkin Park, In Between
Minutes to Midnight.

Cleared up the site, deleted alot of shit and pretty much started again.

Bye,
-Zeb.